Sunday, June 01, 2008

You might not want to read this

but I need to write this.

Ever feel like that backyard garden?
You know the one. That one that was planted with only hand picked flowers.
The one that was started with such great love.
The one that you keep saying ....I need to get out and tend to.
The one you mean to take such tender loving care of.
The one that day after day...
that turns into....
week after week,
then turns into...
year after year......
just keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list.
Till eventually it doesn't even make the list.
The one that eventually isn't even a garden anymore.

I have lost so much this year, or have I?
If it isn't a loss, then why do I sit here in tears?
Why are these tears over people that I mean nothing to?
I just want to stop!

So there it is out....I give it to the universe....the sadness I have been holding on to.

I have so much!
It is quite ok to feel sadness, I know this, and it is ok to blog about it.
Don't worry that I wrote this.....worry if I don't write this.
This is the place to let it go for me, I am so glad I can do it here.

I always love how I feel after I finally write this stuff out. I have been having a little bit of a down week at some points. When it is quiet and I sit here alone. I have been working on a layout this week with OLW and it is "THINK", oh boy did that open the flood gates. So it will be interesting to me to see the final outcome of this layout. Hoping to finish it tomorrow.

I just don't always understand how people operate. How you just never know why things happen. How you can be in someones life one day and then find out that you are not allowed in their lives anymore the next.
That there are now terms, or there is something else that you will never know that you did to make them despise you. You don't get a chance to answer them, you don't get a chance to defend yourself, you don't get a chance to maybe explain something to them. You are just OUTTA THERE! Amazing to me.
I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't experienced it. I know I make mistakes, I don't know many that can't say they don't, but I always give people the benefit of the doubt before I would ever just shooo them out of my life.
I am thinking having a child would show anyone that. WOW all the mistakes we make as parents, and our little ones want no one else but their mommy. I can be punishing Josh one hour and the next holding him tight because he wants to cuddle with me. The compassion that that boy has taught me in his 8 short years is probably what gets me thru the rest of the crap in my life.

So where the hell has the last 10 minutes of writing got me?
Well I have stopped crying....that is good!
Al though a good friend told me this week 'crying is the way we cleanse our souls"
I think my soul is pretty cleansed right now.
I still don't have any answers, but not sure I ever will.
I think I will go and tend to the flower garden tomorrow.
I hope if anyone is reading this.....they won't give up on me.
I am glad I am feeling, loving and still putting myself out there everyday, because if I didn't I would miss some of the most wonderful people on this planet that I have been so blessed to have in my life.
Time for bed.


  1. Anonymous3:18 PM

    Isn't it funny that *this* was my message from The Universe today? Granted, it's a day-ish late for you, but it sums things up, no?

    "One of the most stringent conditions all angels must meet, other than double-advanced harp playing and skydiving abilities (not necessarily at the same time), is that they must not allow themselves to feel hurt or rejected by the choices made by others, no matter how much they've done for them nor how great their love.

    Yeah, WOW.
    The Universe"

  2. hey, i don't know what happen but i hear what you are sayin'. i hope this is a positive step for you through the healing process. it does suck though, healing. but it is worth it in the end.

  3. Laura Foreman10:58 PM

    I am sorry that you are having some rough patches, but all the trials we experience only make us stronger so we never reach the breaking point. When you look at the compassion and friendship that your son offers, you have to know that he has a great role model to follow!

  4. Anonymous10:29 AM

    Sorry I missed this earlier Rollie.
    Hope your doing better which I am sure you are. You have a lot of people who care about you and love you. You are a good soul.

  5. love you girlfriend- let it out, and rely on the people you know are here for you whenever you need us.